i am bursting with information... with good things and bad things alike. and i can't really channel my thoughts. there is just this quite chaotic assemblage of mixed feelings and sensations. i'll try to analyze it (with my dizzy - from lillet that we've been drinking by the lake tonight, the three of us - head) what i'm feeling properly and i'll try to get to the bottom of it.
some things leave me wounded and confused... i have a lot of questions at the moment. and when i'm confused, i always make lists. because sometimes, when you have a lot of questions, it's best to give answers. so this post here is doomed to be a list. i think it's important to, from time to time, point out (mainly to ourselves) the things that we like about ourselves, to see where we are. so here goes
1. i like about myself that i'm caring and loving, and a good friend. even if the going gets tough. if you're my friend, i'll cry with you, i'll cheer with you, i'll pick you up, i'll walk with you, i'll laugh till our bellies hurt with you. because i value friendship highly and i know that you do, too.
2. i like about myself that i am positive and life-loving, in spite of everything and all the shitty shit - like my sister in law's cancer, or past breakups, or general worries about the future.. - that's happening. that i'm not only returning a smile, but manage to initiate a smile, even, and infect someone with it, no matter how troubled i am deep down inside of me. i believe life is so much easier with a healthy portion of self-mockery. there is something funny in everything, if you only manage to see it. and i do see it. i train myself to see it. there are days when it's hard. but i honestly believe to laugh things off is the best coping strategy in life.
3. i like about myself that i'm capable of love. i have no proof of it, as i stand here, utterly un-everything: un-beringed (yes, that's a word), un-allied, un-related, un-engaged, un-married. but i'm bound to believe i am capable of love, because there is this fire in my heart, that's burning for someone. and i still haven't given up hope that this someone is somewhere, anywhere.
4. i like about myself that i've kept up blogging for over four years (eep!), even if there isn't any support from anyone but myself. sure, there's the occasional readers (thank you) and the occasional feedback (thank you some more). but then, there's also the occasional vacuum, too, where you don't get any feedback, because people are busy with their own lives, their own obsessions and their own fancy-schmancy... but the point is: i'm not doing it for the feedback or the gold medal (because there is none) or the glory (pfff.... to hell with glory... a nice cake would do?). i'm doing it for me and myelf entirely. because i seriously love being creative. and i'm respecting myself for the endeavor, the heart, the passion and the time that i'm investing, continually. it's not just a fad, because i've never stopped, all those years (you've got to proof yourselves first, baby bloggers out there... i'm telling ya that much). a blogger is who i've become, nobody can erase it or take it from me. i'm making content in my own voice and my own way. and it's nice if people share my opinion, or love of food, or occasionally my self-pity or my disorientation. i'm doing it for me and it's all the more worth it if you join me on this journey.
5. i like about myself that i'm so close with my mom, and that i'm enjoying time with her to the fullest. she's the best version of a person you can be. and if i could make a wish, it's that i could become half as good, fun to be with, kind and loving as she is.
6. i like about myself that i can be tough if i need to (no need to mention that i've discovered this ability only recently). like sheryl strayed placed it: "if you're in a hole, the only way out is to crawl up". it's true that i've managed to pick myself up many times, especially in the last few months. and that i can rely on myself to pick myself up, again, should need be. this knowledge gives me strength, power and, yes, a sense of pride.
7. okay i can't think of any other things for now... let's just repeat points 1-6, shall we? oh, there's one more thing: i like about myself that i really fancy cooking. again, i'm doing this for myself, mainly. it keeps me sane. but also, i enjoy the smiling faces when they enjoy the food i've carefully created and prepared for them. it humbles me to have such an impact on other peoples' lives. a smile is worth so much. it's a small thing. and it's a big thing, too, to feed people good food and serve them love.
do you know what eton mess is? it's mainly a mess, but then, all good things have chaos in them. just take some meringues, crush them roughly, cover (get dirty) with whipped or double cream (i prefer double cream... i'm naughty) and berries and gobble it up before it's soaked too much. create a mess, love it.