dear readers, you might have noticed: my private life has experienced some major hiccups. and i've been dreading to tell you what happened exactly because, for one, i was hoping some things might take a turn for the better. sadly, they haven't, though. and for another, i thought about keeping this information private. but the thoughts kept being dark and negative, i couldn't find peace! so i felt it's finally time to spill the beans and face the (dark) truth. to finally accept that another love has gone, that i'm single again. (sighs, i so hate to say goodbye...)
yes, i am heart-broken. yes, i am incredulous, devastated and sad. but also: yes, i am fighting, and yes, i'm trying hard to be hopeful and to believe in love, still, despite and after all. but, i fear i am doing a very bad job at it (right now...). there are so many questions in my head. why? above all. why does a love end, that was (at least in my opinion) so true and good? and also: why do i even bother to love, if it always ends like this? with a heart torn to pieces, sleepless nights, tears upon tears and a feeling of radical loss? is it me? what, exactly, pretty please, is not to fucking love about me? how come other people find it so easy to love and be loved in return - when i seem to fail, every time?
you see, i believed (and, strangely, still do at this time - though i'm probably a lunatic, a fool, a moron and a die-hard imbecile for it...) in this love so strongly that i can't get around to accept the fact that it's over, passé. that we're not an item anymore. that i will never be allowed to know his fears, feelings, hopes and dreams, again. that my dreams are not his anymore. that there is no more 'us'.
let me tell you i don't mean to be melodramatic. for i know: such is life (or is it?). honestly, all i want is to just remain sane, and to make it through this bloody summer. and in order to do so, i need to come clean. to write this post. because... some things just don't make any sense in my perspective - but i hope that, one day, it will make sense to me. that maybe i will understand why this had to happen. they say time is a healer - and i just long for the moment when i will be recovered and my heart is whole again. ready to love again. where every little thing is gonna be alright.
in the meantime: i'm keeping myself insanely busy. barbecues and dinners, meeting friends, nights out, swimming in the lake (one fine hot summer's day), working hard and traveling to antwerp all of next week for a training (yay, i hear antwerp is amazing), playing golf (not exactly the way i used to 10 years ago, but it's okay), tucking in my little nephew felix, cooking, taking pictures, writing posts, redecorating, listening to (really sad) songs (honestly, not one of my best ideas...), not looking at old pictures of when we were still together, but instead readings books, planning holidays (sort of, but that's another chapter... tbc). and i kind of can assure you that i'm okay - or at least: that i will be fine. definitely. come tomorrow. or, think again, maybe not tomorrow...? because that would be a bit of an over-achievement, maybe. but in a few months' time, surely?
so just... uhm... thank you for caring, for sharing your own heartbreak stories, for being there for me - either through virtual hugs or real ones. it means a lot to me. it keeps me going. thank you. we all need some support, some hope and some glamour in our lives, so let's not give up on love, just yet. okay?
a very happy weekend,
ps: i found this picture (that's actually a print that can be bought) on etsy here. i think it's perfect. and, to provide a little positiveness here (after all the muddy self-pity...) let's make it a sneak peek: i am thinking about turning one of my living room walls into some sort of a 'wall of fame'. a little la-ola-wave for that, you think? yeah. you know, one of those walls with a lot of pictures, illustrations, photos, credos and mantras (to motivate me and cheer me in the various slices of life). this print here will no doubt be part of that wall. what do you think of it, this project, and the credos? and what credos help you in your life? i would love to know (so that maybe i can incorporate a few into my own... not to copy or steal. just to learn from you, who are probably much stronger than i am, and to learn how to move on, eventually). would you be kind enough to share with me your secret mantras? hmm?